LARD

A chum and I wrote something with the TV in mind based on the Harry Ramsden Chip shop empire which we called ‘LARD’. Our narrator was one of the ancestors of the family that was featured and we called him Barry Lumsden, as opposed to Harry Ramsden. Of course, we didn’t want anyone from the Ramsden family suing us. The show follows the fortunes of the Lumsden lard empire from the Victorian streets of Cleckheaton to the modern day. When Britain saw the American armed forces invasion during the second world war, the Lumsden family were shocked to see the sales of their lard fall as young women were being seduced with ‘Yankee Doodle Lard’. If you search Youtube for the ‘Ovalteenies’, then that should give you an idea of how the song would sound.

INTERIOR                OLD 30’s CINEMA              NIGHT

ON THE CINEMA SCREEN WE SEE A LARGE BLOCK OF YANKEE DOODLE LARD (SUITABLE MUSIC PLAYS UNDER)

ANNOUNCER:        (American accent) And don’t forget that for every block that you purchase, we’ll donate 5 cents to the GI’s Over-seas Sports and Recreation Fund.

THE IMAGE OF THE LARD IS REPLACED WITH A CHISEL-CHINNED  US ARMY COLONEL HOLDING UP A BLOCK OF YANKEE DOODLE LARD.

COLONEL:               Yankee Doodle Lard… Because only Yankee Lard’ll do.

BARRY: V/O            They even had the bloody kids hooked. They had their own club and everything….  The Lardleteenies!

THE SHOT CUTS TO A BLACK AND WHITE FILM OF A GROUP OF CHILDREN DRESSED VERY SMARTLY. THEY SHOULD LOOK AND SOUND LIKE THE ‘OVALTEENIES’.  THEY SWAY FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND SING THEIR CLUB THEME SONG.

KIDS: (Singing Very posh accents)         We are the Yankee Doodle Lardleteenies, only Yankee Lard will do. We are the Yankee Doodle Lardleteenies, here to sing a song for you. Whatever the weather we will stick together, through thick and thin we stick like glue. We are the Yankee Doodle Lardleteenies… Cos only Yankee Lard’ll do.

BARRY:                    Me dad thought ‘Sod it’, if y’cant beat em… join em!   So he set up his own club for kids (PAUSE)  The Lumsdenteenies.

THE SAME SCENE BUT NOW THE LUMSDENTEENIES SING THEIR THEME SONG.

KIDS: (Singing Yorkshire accents)         There’s nothing in the world that’s half as hard as Lumsden’s quality Top Notch Lard. From Ilkley Moor to our back yard, there’s nowt in the world like Top Notch Lard.  (Musical break & short clog dance) Every morning when we rise, what’s that treat before our eyes? It’s a prize that we will guard. It’s Lumsden’s quality Top Notch Lard.

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