Design a site like this with
Get started

Fat Kid

Anyone who knows me will know, that sport in all of its many and varied forms, is a complete stranger to me. I have never watched a complete football match, or cricket, or rugby, or tennis or any major sporting event. I believe that this detestation of sports was engendered in me by hateful, bullying PE teachers who always allowed the same individuals to pick the teams, and I can assure you… I wasn’t one of them. I would usually be the second to last to be picked, just before the fat lad. I could never understand why Cricket was always played during the summer and football at the most hateful time of the year (for me) winter! The same with cross country running, which I always thought was just an excuse for the games masters to swan off and have a ciggy somewhere. No… me and physical activities have never been good bed fellows. I don’t doubt that sport brings pleasure to billions world-wide, however, I shall stick to the arts. Music, theatre and any other pursuits that don’t require me to wear Lycra. This piece is my response to all of those wasted hours at school when I could have been gainfully employed looking out of the window or drawing attention to myself.

Four eyes props up painted post
Fat kid stands in goal
Twice a week through rain and snow
They carry out these roles

Teachers’ pets choosing sides
Same kids every time
Best friends, kids with sweets to share
Standing in two lines

You & you & you & you
Now they’re on a roll
Four eyes, you’re on left back
Fat kid, you’re in goal.

Action takes place other end
As it always does
Teacher’s pet shouts the odds
Determined not to lose

Fat kids standing in the goal
Fat legs turning blue
Four eyes scrapes frost from his specs
Nothing else to do

Look out boys here comes the ball
Up the centre fast
Fat kid lumbers into motion
Mustn’t let it past

Four eyes fumbles with his glasses
Tucking in his vest
Teacher’s pet centre forward
Followed by the rest

Fat boy sweats and wobbles
First to left then right
Teacher’s pet, to me, to me
His Nike’s shining white

Four eyes stumbles drops his specs
Trampled under trainer
Might as well be catching water
Running through a strainer

Get up gormless shouts the teacher
What a song and dance
But lard and specky they both knew
They never stood a chance

Gainst teacher’s pet, head boy, school bully
Captain of the team
Mother’s little angel
Every young girl’s dream

You fat bastard, you fat bastard
Kids can be so cruel
You two useless gits
Are gonna get it after school

Fifteen nil, fifteen nil
Both kids start to cry
Because they know school bully
Will not let it lie

But they’re sure as eggs are eggs
And ink comes from a pen
When teams are chosen, they’ll stand frozen
In the goal… again


Published by crispinunderfelt

All round good egg. Humanist and red wine drinker.

11 thoughts on “Fat Kid

  1. Nicely circular. Some of us just don’t have the flair for sports. I personally, as a kid LOATHED cricket. Now I like it, but then… I hated our batty gamesmaster / But I hated ruddy cricket worse / So there was no-one who’d run out faster /And get a sick note from the nurse.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I got into playing darts when I was in the army and I became interested in TV Snooker in the late 70s, but beyond that, nothing. As soon as the sport section comes on the evening news, I reach for the TV remote and press mute…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I didn’t wear glasses and as a kid I wasn’t fat but I was always the last one picked for any team. “You guys have to take him! We had him last time, we played.” I’m not a big sports fan, or PE fan, for that matter, either.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Brilliant. We had a ‘games’ teacher in our all-boys school who most certainly would not be allowed to do the job today! I love team sports, was ok at most of them, but I have never understood why children should be forced to participate in something to which they are obviously ill-suited. There are so many ways of keeping fit (very important) and being humiliated is certainly not one of them.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This was great I was always last picked as well then in my last year of high school all the fat kids and Four-eyes formed our own team in the after school league. We fought hard and made the quarter finals embarrassing a lot of teacher’s pets along the way. Then in college I became a comic and spent years making fun of all of them. I hope my story heals some of your scars
    Laugh, no matter what happens


    1. Thanks… I’ve actually performed this piece a few times and I give it the full works. It’s amazing the responses I’ve received afterwards by people with similar stories. There must have been a huge number of us on the benches waiting for our turn to shine.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: