Fat Kid

Anyone who knows me will know, that sport in all of its many and varied forms, is a complete stranger to me. I have never watched a complete football match, or cricket, or rugby, or tennis or any major sporting event. I believe that this detestation of sports was engendered in me by hateful, bullying PE teachers who always allowed the same individuals to pick the teams, and I can assure you… I wasn’t one of them. I would usually be the second to last to be picked, just before the fat lad. I could never understand why Cricket was always played during the summer and football at the most hateful time of the year (for me) winter! The same with cross country running, which I always thought was just an excuse for the games masters to swan off and have a ciggy somewhere. No… me and physical activities have never been good bed fellows. I don’t doubt that sport brings pleasure to billions world-wide, however, I shall stick to the arts. Music, theatre and any other pursuits that don’t require me to wear Lycra. This piece is my response to all of those wasted hours at school when I could have been gainfully employed looking out of the window or drawing attention to myself.

Four eyes props up painted post
Fat kid stands in goal
Twice a week through rain and snow
They carry out these roles

Teachers’ pets choosing sides
Same kids every time
Best friends, kids with sweets to share
Standing in two lines

You & you & you & you
Now they’re on a roll
Four eyes, you’re on left back
Fat kid, you’re in goal.

Action takes place other end
As it always does
Teacher’s pet shouts the odds
Determined not to lose

Fat kids standing in the goal
Fat legs turning blue
Four eyes scrapes frost from his specs
Nothing else to do

Look out boys here comes the ball
Up the centre fast
Fat kid lumbers into motion
Mustn’t let it past

Four eyes fumbles with his glasses
Tucking in his vest
Teacher’s pet centre forward
Followed by the rest

Fat boy sweats and wobbles
First to left then right
Teacher’s pet, to me, to me
His Nike’s shining white

Four eyes stumbles drops his specs
Trampled under trainer
Might as well be catching water
Running through a strainer

Get up gormless shouts the teacher
What a song and dance
But lard and specky they both knew
They never stood a chance

Gainst teacher’s pet, head boy, school bully
Captain of the team
Mother’s little angel
Every young girl’s dream

You fat bastard, you fat bastard
Kids can be so cruel
You two useless gits
Are gonna get it after school

Fifteen nil, fifteen nil
Both kids start to cry
Because they know school bully
Will not let it lie

But they’re sure as eggs are eggs
And ink comes from a pen
When teams are chosen, they’ll stand frozen
In the goal… again

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